sejak dah duduk rumah 5 bulan ni, my personality pun dah berubah. i mean dari cheerful, noisy and talkative person kepada quiet person. ok look dulu aku tak boleh tahan diam selama 5 minit but now i can even stay quiet and tak cakap dengan orang selama satu hari. pelik macam mana surroundings boleh influence aku sampai macam tu sekali.
nowadays, i try to observe life orang lain and take their experience and sejak kebelakangan ni ramai orang divorced. it's make me quite shocked , bila budak yang aku babysitter before ni, parents dia dah cerai. how can a lovely and kind person do like that ? tapi seriously that guy really look innocent and kind person. now i know, the only person that inside the picture/situation know the truth. bila dengar umi cerita life dia and for five years dia tahan dengan perangai suami dia and at last lelaki di yang halau dia dari rumah. it makes me sad bila orang terdekat aku di layan macam ni sekali. it makes me feel scared to have a relationship. based on my experience, i can't accept people that do their wife like that and now i started to hate men but i know bukan semua lelaki perangai macam tu.
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sometimes when i staring my eyes in front of the mirror ((lol creepy ke ni)) ,my eyes will get teary all sudden and start crying. i try to comfort myself by saying you've been through a lot and pat myself but it doesn't work at all. bila diri depan cermin and look at my reflection, i will point out my flaws. fat girl, ugly person, emo girl and that make me depressed actually. my friends always advise me that not try to sit alone because when i'm alone i will overthinking and then i will cry again. it's not my fault being born with soft hearted and overthinking mind. maybe orang lain tak rasa perasaan ni. its hard you know. i can go all night crying over and over and i will be a grumpy person next day with my bad thoughts. maybe orang akan fikir please la dah 18 kot. grow up please. it's my inner conflict and i don't know how my friends boleh adapt and overcome this side of me.